Woah, it's been a
while, it's been a huge wild while. it's 2016 but ironically am writing this in
2017. some of the links here are not working properly anymore and some missing
its elements in this blog making it pure antic LOL, but it's okay, will work on
that soon. as now, i want to write a quick view on my year in 2016, from the
first to end. just the highlight. good thing i finally have the courage and
sense to do it now as this is the end of 2017. Woahh. I am so overwhelmed at
how much the years go by and throwback to the first time i built this blog, was
15 at that time and now am 20!
Okay, 2016, as
everybody knew, I quit form 6, yes I really did. trust me the decision wasn't
entirely impulsive as I did put a lot of thought into that but it's impossible
to say i don't regret anything, but STILL I won't take that back although magic
had the way to bring me back to that era. brace yourself, may be disturbing for
some readers. these were written when i was in my complicated state of mind so
i might not even aware of what i was writing, i was in a complete mess.
however, I thanked Allah for giving me this whole mess, if it wasn't because of
this catastrophe, i wouldn't appreciate life and be wiser. this is the biggest
lesson in my life. ever. so here, with understanding and consideration, let me
present to you...
THIS WAS HOW IT
ALL STARTED -
[ 2016 LifeLine
04/01/16 - I
almost passed out at the assembly, thank God I had this one friend who helped
me. See mate? This is one of the reasons why we should have friends. Bukan saja
utk menyusahkan ko, tapi tolong ko juak nanti. Yang menyusahkan tu aku, yg
membantu tu dialah. K. Tu ja. I was sent to a room, I don't know what room that
is, stor mungkin. Antahlah. Dengarnya ni sekolah mau buat sistem merit demerit.
Haihh ni sekolah. So we are all 100% clean for the first day.
05/01/16 -
- Punya barat
hati mau pi sekolah, kesian. 19 tahun tapi masih pi sekolah, gila punya kerja.
Well, baruku faham yg before this I was in middle school, now it is called High
School *if I'm not mistaken. If I say I wanna quit, they say I'm giving up too
easily. I don't quit education, just form 6 bah. They don't understand and they
won't. Itu hakikat.
06/01/16 -
- Well, the PNP
started today, I didn't feel very well and I kept falling asleep in class.
There's one thing that I think shouldn't be forgotten and needed to be written
here, my KMK teacher, aku suka ni cigu, selalu buat orang ketawa and rasa
selesa, pandai betul jadi manusia, sometimes I think others need to learn from
him.
- Ingatkan
sistem merit demerit ni saja yg kena buat, ada lagi...balik jam 2.50 sudah.
Okay. That's cool. Even cooler than any school I've attended. I tried to hint
my parents about quitting form 6, yet they didn't even close to thinking that.
Seriously saya cuma mau berhenti form 6 dan teruskan hidup dirumah tolong
parents buat kerja rumah and my other siblings boleh teruskan impian orang tua.
Bolehkah begitu?
- I know what
they would say if they find out about this, "Don't even think about that,
you're the eldest, you have to be a role model to your brothers and sisters,
don't you feel pity for your parents who have worked hard to get you to form 6?
Don't you want to see them happy?" It sickens me. It sickens me. It
sickens me. Why do I need to listen to people who never walked my path? Who
never even listened to me? Who never knew my everyday struggle? My inner
problem? Who can never ever ever put their feet in my shoes? But that what they
would say, don't they?
07/01/16 - I
don't go school, lagipun hari ni ada rentas desa. merit demerit sudah potong 5,
95% lah kan totalnya. Tambah lagi aku ndak hantar kerja kemarin, jadilah 90%,
itupun kalau cigu tu kira sekali. I couldn't care less. Sorry not sorry. Why am
I forced to do things I don't want? BECAUSE everyone is doing so. Everything
that is outside of normality, is a disgrace. You don't get out as a
diplo/degree holder, so that automatically puts you in low class or even the
lowest hierarchy. Don't deny it. This is fact. Even people like me who is about
to give up school see it the same way.
08/01/16 -
-
...................... ]
KEIRA, 19 YR
OLD, 2016, JANUARY.
[ tell me it's OK
What's happening
now...
- I'm in form 6
- Live in my
parents' house
- Childish
- Throw tantrum
- Depressed
- No money
- Escapist
What I really
want...
- Quit form 6
- Stay home
- Start online
business
- Help family
doing chores so they don't have to
- Everyone to
stop questioning my choice
- Stop being
attached to past memories
- Start being
mature
- Start a new
life as homegirl
What I really
feel...
- Delirious
- Depressed
- Lost
- Sick
- Unhappy
- Sad
- Worry
- Scared
What I really
like to do...
- Singing
- Writing
- Acting
- Watching
movies, shows.
If I had the
chance to change my life...
- Start college
- Live alone
- Produce films
- Start business
- Youtubing
- Work in social
agencies
- Leave home
What's stopping
me...
- Relatives
- Friends
- No money
- Past
- Future
- Teachers
- Governments
What I really
hope...
- To know what's
wrong with me
- People to tell
me it's okay
- People to make
me feel better
- Being happy ]
KEIRA, 19 YR
OLD, 2016, MARCH
[ First semester
results are already out and surprisingly I got good result than what I thought
of. I beat everyone in literature and I got high grade for visual art. I mean I
didn't even do it right. I studied like 3 hrs before the test. I didn't even
attend class and I escaped extra class a few times. I was bewildered by how
such thing could actually happen. Never really crossed my mind that I actually
did better. I keep it from my parents, no reason for them to know. I mean, what
would they say? They'll probably hurt more and that's like stabbing my own
chest hundred times.One of my ex classmates congratulated me for it. I was like
"Why the fuck did you say that to me, it's either you're trying to tease
me or sincerely compliment me". Either way, I still hate it. When your
mind is miserable, the only thing I can see is negativity since nothing
positive really happened lately. It's baffling.
And now I'm at
home, chilling in bed pretty much all day, watching reality shits to keep me
entertain, deactivated social media and being a slob, sleep inadequacy, cold
shoulder and feeling trapped. Stuck between inconceivable depths of a dark and
dreary hell. I haven't been out for months, probably twice or at least three
times in 5 months. Feeling accomplish for small things I do like going out of
home to settle my bank account that only got like 50$ in it, which isn't mine
but the owner of this house. The fuck do I need an account, I do nothing but
laying in bed, scrolling through Instagram just to make myself feeling like an
absolute trash looking at others living their happy lives while I'm here like a
piece of shit. That's just sad. I can't even stare at myself in the mirror for
a minute. I'm such a waste of space.
They say I'm a
loser, useless and lazy. Say I give up too easily. I guess that's partially
true. I let the depression consumes me. I don't think I make any different
staying home too. I'm just becoming more solitude and that's not so healthy.
I'm also getting older. I look like a 30 yr old unmarried grumpy lady. Cocooned
in this constant swing shift split equally between breaking down and soul
sucking depression. I guess that's pretty fucked up.
I admit that I
don't think it's a good idea to do so. I should've thought deeper before making
up any decisions. I thought doing so would make me happier and everything would
be a whole lot lighter. Well, it did. For a good short time. I can't stop
asking myself why the fuck the did I do that. Why doing something that makes
you feel like you don't belong to this place? I guess the only reason I feel
this way is because I can't think of anything other than being in 'there'. I've
got plans but I can't channel it anywhere. I don't have money to start, nobody
would help me. I know there's no one to blame and I don't want to show how
remorseful I am about the decision. I'm trying to shrug that feeling off by
looking at the brighter side every time I can..hopefully.
The first
paragraph should be at the end but I don't want to end it bitterly. I want a
happy ending.]
For the worse 6
months, I isolated myself at home and being petty for the whole months stated.
yeah, that depression shiz and all that, at first everything was handled well
by myself but everyday its just gotten worse to the point of...i don't know,
maybe disappear completely? i will just paste everything here, my story i wrote
on my private blog. well it's okay i can say that am in a pretty good state
now, i can't wait to write what happened in 2017.
KEIRA, 19 YR
OLD, 2016, APRIL.
[ I
feel trapped in here. I can't live independently. I don't know what to do,
where to go. I become uninterested in life. It doesn't matter how hard I think
about things, I'll end up not doing anything at all, much worse, wrong decision
or probably it's just me who can't handle things. I was a strong minded person
before. Motivated and ambitious, just like everyone. I was able to be positive
enough but it doesn't feel like it now. I'm afraid to go out, the crowd scares
me. What is wrong with me? I don't want to live like this. My behavior scares
me lately, all I can think about is how pathetic I am and how messed my mind
is. I thought I could get away from bad thoughts. I can't stop thinking about
time. It's getting too late. I haven't done anything productive or achieved
anything. I can't sleep well. I had the same dream over and over. Everyone here
perceives me as someone independent and alert. I receive this from family, ex
high school teachers, teachers and friends from recent school, relatives and ex
classmates. I can't do anything out of their expectations. It's burdensome and
I can't handle embarrassment. I thought I was too good to seek help. Or I was
just scared of their judgement. I'm just too tired to tell people how I feel. I
think I'm ridiculous too. Too emotional,whiny and all I know is just
complaining..I dislike that actually. Not professional. Low mentality.
Weakling. I would probably say that if I weren't me or at least have never been
in this mental state. I want help. I want my old self. I want to have future
and importantly feel alive again. I can't do this alone. I don't have the
courage to tell people how I feel, I speak less nowadays... They wouldn't give
a shit tho. They're just curious. I know it. I care about myself. I'm typical
like everyone too. I don't belong too depression or instability. I want to
escape so bad that everyday I feel like my heart is going to burst. I sometimes
feel like God has forgotten about me. Why do I need to go through this while others
don't? Everything seems to work out for them. Why it has to be me? God gives
the hardest battle to his strongest soldiers. I am not strong. ]
And then,
something completely out of the blue, i got offered smth that might be the
starter point of my life out of my shell. i've been under my parents' arms for
long. (bawah ketiak makbapak) hahahaha. okay, so as above as well, i'll paste
them here, the ones i wrote in 2016 on my other blog.
THE MOMENT WHEN I FELT I TRULY LIVED
[ past july,
i got a good job somewhere far from home and live alone in a rented room, it's
a double storey house to be exact and i live at the second floor. my uncle
lives there too but am alone upstairs. so i traveled around sabah, went to
Ranau a lot. the furthest place was when we needed to go to Lahad Datu for a
3-month course but it was a total failure so we're forced to come back Keningau
after 5 days staying alone in a bungalow, there was only both of us, me and a
colleague. left alone without proper kitchen supplies and food. however, we
managed to survive ourselves since we got mates there who helped a lot. quite
an adventure to say the least. i gained a lot of experience, knowledge and
skills. i made myself some new friends of different ages. most of them are
older. am very thankful and enjoy the moments that i felt i truly lived. it was
like a healer for me and am feeling surprisingly better than before. after 2
months staying there, i was told that my uncle had to move in with me cause of
some work needed to be done downstairs, another uncle of mine wanted to make it
an office for his new business, carwash. i don't really feel comfortable
because am worried that they might not like it since i always have problem with
my pay rent but all sorted out tho. i cook sometimes and help with the chores.
back to my job there, little did i know that it was only for a short period of
time. something happened outta the blue and forced me to go back home, family's
house. i don't know what to do, going back home feels like going back to the
root of hell i was in before. scary cause now am repeating everything i did
back then but i don't feel depressed or anything as not wanting to live but
sometimes i catch myself wallowing in negative thoughts. i promised myself not
to feel the same way again but lately a lot of things scare me. will there be
relapse? i thought the job wud help me with my future plan. now i only wish
they wud call me back. ]
Will be
continued...in 2017.
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