First of all, I wrote this like yeaaarss agoo and i dont want to remember most of the details but i cant really deny and rather than choosing to shrug them off, i'll just embrace my past and make amends with it and you know just leave them here for everyone who knows me to laugh at lol jk. but yeah.
Just soon after I got my
SPM result in March, I immediately updated my UPU to choose universities based
on my deserving result and then got my SPA8 sorted out, after that applied for
IPG.
Boom.. I didn't get any
offer except for thousands incoming letters from IPTS and IKBN from the
previous second appeal, rejected by IPG, unsuccessful SPA8...but I was accepted
in form 6 and went on orientation already, guess that's the only good thing happening
to me at that time. pretty much everyone got it anyway so there's really
nothing to be proud of.
During the orientation, I
made a few new friends and so SYAQIRAH...I chose 5 subjects while everyone
settled for only 4 subs cause we're already fucked anyway, form 6 was the only
choice left so gotta make it right this time.
Everything was so-so at
first, nothing big happened except for I fell in love and my only close friend
in form 6 left me without notices. That's where my world felt like it crumbled
to pieces. I was already messed up and tried to get it all together then I lost
my only motivator, the reason I hung on for too long.
After a week of school
holiday, I tried to gather all the strength I have left to get myself together
and forget about the incident, MAN i cried for whole 3 days trying to reach for
her and persuade her to continue school, said I could help with the money but
still to no avail.
Then, school started
spying on my crush. this might be cliche but he's my only motivator at that
time, all I thought about was "If i dont come to school, i wont be able to
see him, i'd miss whatever he do", at least that's how I trained my mind
to. things were sweet and cinnamon, my mind slipped off abit about my long gone
friend and I made acquaintance with some friends frm my class which slowly
turned into friends and one best friend in other class, at least i liked her,
at that time.
So, here we go, these were
written during school holidays, most of them i wrote on instagram but i deleted
it after and moved them to my personal blog.
KEIRA, 18 YR OLD, AROUND MAY, 2015
[ Arghhh. Need to train myself to
roll out of bed at 5 am cause another school days await. How suck that is!
.
As for myself, I'm getting
increasingly isolated as the day goes by. Movies and music are my close friends
right now and I seem to enjoy my individual lifestyle.
.
I don't think that I am 'that'
lonely cause I spend most of my days reviewing latest films I've watched. How
fun that is, right? I can't get rid of this obsession tho. Either I get
benefits or none from this habit. Couldn't care less. Let's wait if it's coming
in handy next time.
.
However,
.
I do feel like I need someone to
talk to. Afraid of the deterioration of my conversation skill.
- Written while I was having a cup of tea in my bed, wrapping up in my warm
blanket, watching MMFD season 2 and not worrying about school days...
.
I gave a shit once but
people seem to continuously
stir a shit storm.
.
Don't be too bothered.
.
Cause apparently I can't
be bogged down
.
Peace out
.
- Written while I was having a breakdown and there's drama going on.
.
Since 3 of my best friends left, since all of them left, since everyone I've
trusted left me. I have no urge to do anything and can't even manage to conjure
up any emotions, but disappointment. People don't know the hardships I've
struggled with before, but why everyone seems to suppress my way of recovering.
I was struggling so hard to get over the things that bothered me for the past
three weeks. I'm in the midst of recovering, but why are you people keep
dragging me in to hell you created your own?
.
Well, people obviously don't
know. Scroll to my previous photos with captions (Deleted! to get things off my
mind) and you can clearly see the stages I've come down with and what I've
reached. I tell people I can't be bogged down, but I'm struggling so freaking
hard to even write it down. I'm mind-setting my head to believe what my mouth
says
Just whenever you think you're
downright problematic person, please ask around you about the things that
bothered them. I ain't no therapy, I can't heal people because I'm also trying
to heal myself. I was at the happier state last week and I could see that I was
getting better although it's not a breeze for me to giggle at your jokes!
.
Sorry. I write so much. I have no
one to talk to. This phase of life I'm currently in isn't on my behalf. Thanks
for reading.
.
- Written while I was in the middle of recovering.
.
Life planning on the road
.
Plan it wisely from now on and
never look back over your shoulder. I believe that every time I thought I was
being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to
something better!
.
Yesterday I saw a poster on pre-u
building's wall. It says 'HOPE'.
Have
Only
Positive
Expectations
.
As my teacher said during the SV
class, get rid of all the things that block you, put them at the bottom of your
list or cut them at all. Yasss!
.
You do you, I do me. Let's not
stop each other and keep praying for others too.
I'm not a young high school girl
anymore, so MATURE UP and think about what you're going to do in 10 years! 👪
.
Have a good day ahead, guys 🏃💆
.
#straightedge #stayclean
#buoyedup #iloveyoulol
- Written while I was waiting for my video finish downloading... and was in the
midst of waking up from nightmare. That's life, we get *****ed up and wake up. ]
KEIRA,18
YR OLD, AROUND MAY, 2015
[ PEER
PRESSURE...
So,
I was not in any sorts of mood all day Yesterday when one of my close friends
finally opened up to me. Felt so empty, but enough to leave me wallowing in
questions. Honestly, I thought the fight wasn't all about me, but my name was
the only one mentioned that I almost think that I'm the reason why she remained
quiet but was full of rages pent up inside.
I
listened and tried to understand her that day instead of depicting my own
resentment, but I've been giving it a lot of thought last night and I think
I've got conclusion for this matter. ALL this fucken time I thought I was a
good friend among all of us, not the best one but a good friend and I honestly
felt I never hurt people and I didn't expect them to feel offensive as well.
The funny thing is no one told me how my acts sometimes hurt. It's okay to put
all the blame on me. I'm a person and I do make mistakes. I know this is cliche
and overused, but still even I've been told that I get the respect but that
doesn't mean you can talk behind my back or keep things alone.
Why
told me it was constantly better when you were with us, me before? The message
last time was what I thought enough to show I was a good person, but then it
turned out that I'm the one who stirs up shit storm. You said I've never been
on your side and called you prejudice while the rest are instead. I honestly
don't know where and when. Probably it was overlooked, but I'm still wondering
when did I say it and why couldn't you realize that I always wanted you to stop
giving even a single fuck to what bothers you. I'm not on everyone's side at
all. That's what you should know.. but you're my friend. I'm trying to make you
feel better everytime things go downhill but all I got was a pack of rages.
Since
everything had already been explained. I think I'm gonna go with it. As for
them, they can go on looking for compatible companions. I will stay with those
who stick around. I want a friend who can accept me for who I am honestly and I
no longer give a shit to same-wavelength friends. What a wishful thinker. I
don't hate them. I don't. I'm just so over it. All this time I was wrapped up
in the feeling of bliss for having friends and for friends having me as their
faithful supporter and trust me to be their shoulder to cry on or to vent to or
to have their back. Now, I don't feel like things get better. It just gets
completely twisted. No kidding. ]
Okay, clear for that now, things didn't stop there, life really is a box
of chocolate, you're not gonna know what you gonna get, I like sweet chocolates
but this time I didn't get to choose my favorite, life tricked me to take the
bitter ones...
KEIRA, 18 YR OLD, AROUND
EID, 2015
It's eid mubarak, my world
finally shattered to the ground, like a broken mirror... as I said, I was
already fucked up, and now everything turned ugly, felt like everything was
against me. I am a firm believer of my principle. They just don't know me yet
and I completely blamed them towards everything that happened to me. Those
monsters tried to hard to fuck me up, I was already fuck up as I said, they're
trying to kill me. I will never forget this and even if i had the chance to
make amend with these monsters, I would never. Little do they know that karma
is the only dish that is best served cold. Some of them aren't really
successful and I know well how the damage has done to them. God is fair. Thanks
for everything. I learnt my lesson too and I am happier now. Okay, now, what
you're about to read once again may be disturbing and provoking. Consideration
will be gladly appreciated.
KEIRA, 18 YR OLD, AROUND
AUG-SEP-OCT , 2015
P/S KEIRA, 20 : This is
sad but I swear I don't remember how my birthday was celebrated in 2015 and
some events go unnoticed in my mind. I can't recall, all I remember about 2015
is this sad incident...
[ Depression
at its BEST
I
didn't attend school for the past two days. No, I mean almost a week. I got a
phone call Yesterday, ahhh that's why I need to go so I could have a meeting
with my class teacher. I don't know the exact problem, I lost my courage. Like
last week I felt half there and things got brighter than before, but the
challenges never stop hitting me right in the head. Things became upside down.
It took an effort to face the obstacles when you're alone, it's quite a game.
I'm surrounded by people whom I can call 'unique', I was trying to help them
emotionally, I ain't no therapy but I thought I knew them cause I know how it
feels to be bothered by your own shadow, by your own fear, it does have to do
with personality disorder. None can understand but ourselves. Who else tho? I'm
helpless at the end. It doesn't feel right.
People
like us. Nobody would be willing to put their shoes in ours.
Even before, I do struggle with depression for a very long time and never
really seek for helps cause I thought it didn't come to the point where I
should get one. I'm too embarrassed to confront anyone. I'm afraid if they find
out I'm mentally unstable. I mean, what if they slip away? What would they say?
They asked me if I was okay, well I told them, I opened up, only to have it end
with judgy looks and annoying feedback. Telling me to cope with it or seek
help. And then soon after I felt guilty. I shouldn't have told them in the
first place.
I'm telling myself everyday that I'm still sane, like I'm healthy up here. lol.
I don't socialize much, I dislike crowds, I feel bothered, I'm paranoid,
su******. Even a counsellor in my school said I've already created my own world
and told me to get back to Allah. She's right. All I need is Allah. I just hope
He would vanish my sadness and trade it with happiness. In Sha Allah. One thing
is that I'm afraid to get too attached to people, I don't really talk to people
like scarcely ever, if I talk to someone, they must be approachable or a bit
different than public stereotypical. I love it that way. The problem is that I'm
too much to handle, mood swing and constant personality confuse. Only those who
can stand will stay... In Sha Allah.
Writing
makes me feel better. I love writing. A lot. This is how I channel my anger or
sadness. ]
THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT
ABOUT THAT.
BOOM. My only reason I
stayed in school for that long crushed my heart...
[ Crushed
by Crushing on Crush
I've been
here for almost 6 months already and it felt so drastic, everything still feels
very new. Seriously I think that I shouldn't have done that in the first place
and things at least could've been a whole lot easier than how it is right now.
I mean, I shouldn't have planned on adoring someone. Especially when myself, is
well aware that he won't be going out with someone like me. I solemnly think that
he's been hypocrite lately. Yep. I should've realized that earlier and not
trying to mindset myself, trying hard to force my head to believe that 'he's
great', 'nahh, he's not that shallow', 'lol he likes you if you're nice, it
doesn't matter how you look'. Screw it. Looks do matter. It's true that people
will run away even before getting to know me. Imagine if I were a little bit
more beautiful or at least skinny, he would've tried to get closed to me and
know me better.
I
do like someone based on their looks sometimes, I do. Seriously, but I'm NOT
easily swept away by their charms alone. Nope. How shallow people can be? You
tell me. Can't you see good in things? I know I AM, I see negativity in
everything, but you're not me! You can't be like me. It's not healthy. I don't
know. I forced myself too much to believe and think positive. No, it can't be
right. Don't you think? I'm not trying to make you believe that I'm a good
person. It's you who decide how you see something. I have my bad side too, we all
have. Let's forget about hypocrasy cause I'm so done with it, all my life I've
been wallowing in stereotype and hypocrasy and mentality society wants us to be
but it doesn't necessarily mean that I need to be part of that. I'm entitled to
my opinion. Well, it's just my opinion.
Some
people might think that this writing is about condemning or demanding society
to stop being shallow and start accepting people regardless their appearances.
Well, sorry. Your mentality is just plain wrong. Ops, sorry. Maybe it's not
right to decide if someone is in the wrong or right. Then it depends on how you
think tho.
You
know what? Saying that you can't make someone to like you back is just
as same as telling the other person to stop liking them. Double
standard happens here. *You don't know what double standard is then google it.
True. We can't force feelings. So how could you tell them to stop having such a
feeling on someone? How? You tell me.
In
a way I see it,
It's
okay if they don't feel the same way as I do, just let me be. I know if they
feel like they don't want to hurt me as it already is now but I do appreciate
that good intention. And it they ever feel burdened by it, don't be. Why
bother, right? It's not their fault tho. Just stop telling me to stop liking
you or questioning things. It's not you who gets hurt at last, it's us :)
My sincere unsolicited advice that you should take : Never ever say that you're
only attracted to one's soul. Pretending not being shallow is outright
hypocrasy. Lumrahlah suka benda cantik :)
The
perfect flawed and fallible person x ]
KEIRA,
18 YR OLD, AROUND SEP-OCT, 2015
P/S
KEIRA, 20, 2017 : HERE'S YOU'LL FIND THE WHY.
[ Things
started to turn upside down when I came to this school. I wasn't supposed to be
here actually but I needed to cause I had no other options. I could just quit
whenever I want since form 6 isn't obligatory but I don't know what else to do
if I quit. I need to stay in other to qualify myself for college. No one really
knows me here except a few friends from old school and my brother. I haven't
talked to my bro for almost 4 yrs. We get used to it. So, it almost doesn't
feel like we've known each other so we act like strangers at school. I had one
best friend who betrayed me, she promised not to leave, but she did, without
letting me know but then I found out she already far from here. I begged her to
come back and have a talk with me but to no avail. Actually I couldn't believe
her cause some of my classmates said that she's still here, but I couldn't care
less anymore.
Then,
I had issue with a clique in school. I've become their target just because I
tried to stick up for a friend. The girl has been bullied mentally for yrs and
it went on in this new school. People spread hatred and I tried to help. I
could see that some of them have been brainwashed. She didn't go to school for
months and finally quit school. Well, she did the right thing cause form 6
isn't for her. Form 6 is just for a bunch of losers who can't make it to any
higher school.
I
was so alone and hurt. I gave up social media to avoid being mocked by them.
The worst thing was that it has affected my mental health, it's not like I
didn't have it before. It's just getting worse. I was depressed and refused to
attend school. I also locked myself in my room for almost a week, I didn't take
a shower and I hurt myself too. My only thought was suicide, so I tried to
overdose myself but I survived. It's a sin tho so I hoped to die everyday. I
couldn't even wake up but stay in bed like a rotten living human.
Next
day, I got a call from school. I was sent to the office. I needed to tell the
truth. So my teacher sent me to the counselling. I've been under counselling
session which was held for me once a week. I skipped a few sessions. It did
help. However, my attendance still hasn't changed. I still skipped school and I
hated it.
I
wasn't like this before. I was so different in my old school. I had good
academic reputation, good rapport with teachers and liked by peers. I was also
voted as the best student of the month once. I represented school for many
activities as debate and public speaking. I was picked to organize a sport day
as well and as facilitator for campings. Where did I go wrong? Why did world
turn upside down for me? I know I have personality issue and anxiety but I'm
lucky because I'm strong enough to control it. My teacher from my old school
once said to me that I'm good at influencing others and I'm very convincing. I
was so good at hiding real emotions. It's just getting worse.
People
from old school know me as a person I was before, an introvert, quiet and a
girl who doesn't know how to have fun. So they didn't really recognize anything
except for I was getting lazier and poor academic achievement.
This
went on for months and now all I do is keep myself alive and sane. The clique
is now split up and only some of them left. The boy I have a crush on was
already finished his diploma and I don't have to feel imprisoned anymore. Thank
God! I have a small group of friends I'm still trying to call best mates. I
don't know about recovering but things aren't like before.
But
I want to tell you that I still reminded by my childhood and my past. I feel
scared of what behind me and can't focus on my future. I'm more like just
breathing but doing nothing about my life. My siblings thought I was crazy and
my parents can't control me. If only I could tell them what's going on in the head
of mine... I have intense mood swings and never socialize much, unlike them.
In
short, I'm messed up and I just found out that my sister cousin received a
psychiatric appointment which she hid since 6 months ago. I don't wanna tell
you about us but her past affects me and I can't run since I know everything
about her and it bugs me, but you don't give on people you love, right? So I
won't.
If
you knew the broken mess of a person I've become...
Continued..
I
wonder how they could live peacefully and not feel guilty for what they've
caused to someone's future. Another wasted year for one of the strongest
persons I've ever known. ]
:)
Guess, there's nothing else to share, that is all...
Like
the wind, it comes and goes. I got back up and fell again multiple times. here
what you are about to read is, my last straw...before i decided to quit.
Things have been pretty
challenging to me lately. I cried a lot and I have constant changes in mood.
I've told certain people about my plans to know their feedback. Some were
pretty encouraging. While the rest were just curious. I have a lot to consider
before taking steps. I whine about needing helps, but I end up helping myself.
I've been doing this since high school and I think I'll stick to that. In
short, even though things go downhill and when it seems like I'm at the low
points of life, I would eventually heal. I would.
Yesterday, I went to town
to meet my best mate, Dora. Hadn't seen her for a long time, it's been months I
guess. I told her about how things been. Then, she decided to meet up. We went
to a place where there's a little privacy and quiet. We talked about a lot
things and thru the conversation, I realized how I miss being in a real
conversation. How I miss my mate. All I need to find is a coping resource, and
she is the one. I appreciate her for standing under the scorching sun while
waiting for the bus just to get me, and I'm sorry that she had to go thru the
rain to get home.
"Remember what you do
that for in the first place and shrug everything off. I can take care of you
but don't you ever think of quitting or giving up".
I'll keep these words.
To the people I vented to
(If you seem care about others then it doesn't apply to you)
The girl you see in front
of you, the girl you see whining to you, the weeping messed up girl you see, IS
NOT the girl she was once before. You might think she's weak, unreasonable.
Yes. She does have a few low points in life and yes, she is at the lowest point
of her life. Where she's in the deepest darkness of despair. Ever heard of
"you have to feel the violence to know what it's about"? You'll feel
it someday and you'll see whether you can withstand pain or instead. I'm not
trying to get you to the same page as I am but you may have partial
understanding. Anyhow, she believes she still has what it takes to stand out
once again. The one who is keen and not afraid to strike for more. One thing is
that she smiled the most reasonable and sincere for the first time in this week
full of horrid. God responded to her and she's thankful for a blast that she
had with a thoughtful mate. Life as a soon-to-be-adult girl is effectively
short term pleasure, long term pain, but as long as she keeps the positivity
in, the pain is bearable.
To the best mate, thanks
for being such a good coping resource and for that, balance regained and I'm in
the peace of mind...again.
Love, Syaqirah.
