Like the wind...it comes and goes.

First of all, I wrote this like yeaaarss agoo and i dont want to remember most of the details but i cant really deny and rather than choosing to shrug them off, i'll just embrace my past and make amends with it and you know just leave them here for everyone who knows me to laugh at lol jk. but yeah.

Just soon after I got my SPM result in March, I immediately updated my UPU to choose universities based on my deserving result and then got my SPA8 sorted out, after that applied for IPG.

Boom.. I didn't get any offer except for thousands incoming letters from IPTS and IKBN from the previous second appeal, rejected by IPG, unsuccessful SPA8...but I was accepted in form 6 and went on orientation already, guess that's the only good thing happening to me at that time. pretty much everyone got it anyway so there's really nothing to be proud of.

During the orientation, I made a few new friends and so SYAQIRAH...I chose 5 subjects while everyone settled for only 4 subs cause we're already fucked anyway, form 6 was the only choice left so gotta make it right this time.

Everything was so-so at first, nothing big happened except for I fell in love and my only close friend in form 6 left me without notices. That's where my world felt like it crumbled to pieces. I was already messed up and tried to get it all together then I lost my only motivator, the reason I hung on for too long.

After a week of school holiday, I tried to gather all the strength I have left to get myself together and forget about the incident, MAN i cried for whole 3 days trying to reach for her and persuade her to continue school, said I could help with the money but still to no avail.

Then, school started spying on my crush. this might be cliche but he's my only motivator at that time, all I thought about was "If i dont come to school, i wont be able to see him, i'd miss whatever he do", at least that's how I trained my mind to. things were sweet and cinnamon, my mind slipped off abit about my long gone friend and I made acquaintance with some friends frm my class which slowly turned into friends and one best friend in other class, at least i liked her, at that time.

So, here we go, these were written during school holidays, most of them i wrote on instagram but i deleted it after and moved them to my personal blog.

KEIRA, 18 YR OLD, AROUND MAY, 2015

[ Arghhh. Need to train myself to roll out of bed at 5 am cause another school days await. How suck that is!

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As for myself, I'm getting increasingly isolated as the day goes by. Movies and music are my close friends right now and I seem to enjoy my individual lifestyle.

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I don't think that I am 'that' lonely cause I spend most of my days reviewing latest films I've watched. How fun that is, right? I can't get rid of this obsession tho. Either I get benefits or none from this habit. Couldn't care less. Let's wait if it's coming in handy next time.

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However,

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I do feel like I need someone to talk to. Afraid of the deterioration of my conversation skill.

- Written while I was having a cup of tea in my bed, wrapping up in my warm blanket, watching MMFD season 2 and not worrying about school days...

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I gave a shit once but

people seem to continuously

stir a shit storm.

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Don't be too bothered.

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Cause apparently I can't

be bogged down

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Peace out

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- Written while I was having a breakdown and there's drama going on.

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Since 3 of my best friends left, since all of them left, since everyone I've trusted left me. I have no urge to do anything and can't even manage to conjure up any emotions, but disappointment. People don't know the hardships I've struggled with before, but why everyone seems to suppress my way of recovering. I was struggling so hard to get over the things that bothered me for the past three weeks. I'm in the midst of recovering, but why are you people keep dragging me in to hell you created your own?

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Well, people obviously don't know. Scroll to my previous photos with captions (Deleted! to get things off my mind) and you can clearly see the stages I've come down with and what I've reached. I tell people I can't be bogged down, but I'm struggling so freaking hard to even write it down. I'm mind-setting my head to believe what my mouth says

Just whenever you think you're downright problematic person, please ask around you about the things that bothered them. I ain't no therapy, I can't heal people because I'm also trying to heal myself. I was at the happier state last week and I could see that I was getting better although it's not a breeze for me to giggle at your jokes!

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Sorry. I write so much. I have no one to talk to. This phase of life I'm currently in isn't on my behalf. Thanks for reading.

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- Written while I was in the middle of recovering.

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Life planning on the road

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Plan it wisely from now on and never look back over your shoulder. I believe that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better!

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Yesterday I saw a poster on pre-u building's wall. It says 'HOPE'.

Have

Only

Positive

Expectations

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As my teacher said during the SV class, get rid of all the things that block you, put them at the bottom of your list or cut them at all. Yasss!

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You do you, I do me. Let's not stop each other and keep praying for others too.

I'm not a young high school girl anymore, so MATURE UP and think about what you're going to do in 10 years! 👪

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Have a good day ahead, guys 🏃💆

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#straightedge #stayclean #buoyedup #iloveyoulol

- Written while I was waiting for my video finish downloading... and was in the midst of waking up from nightmare. That's life, we get *****ed up and wake up. ]

KEIRA,18 YR OLD, AROUND MAY, 2015

[ PEER PRESSURE...

So, I was not in any sorts of mood all day Yesterday when one of my close friends finally opened up to me. Felt so empty, but enough to leave me wallowing in questions. Honestly, I thought the fight wasn't all about me, but my name was the only one mentioned that I almost think that I'm the reason why she remained quiet but was full of rages pent up inside.

I listened and tried to understand her that day instead of depicting my own resentment, but I've been giving it a lot of thought last night and I think I've got conclusion for this matter. ALL this fucken time I thought I was a good friend among all of us, not the best one but a good friend and I honestly felt I never hurt people and I didn't expect them to feel offensive as well. The funny thing is no one told me how my acts sometimes hurt. It's okay to put all the blame on me. I'm a person and I do make mistakes. I know this is cliche and overused, but still even I've been told that I get the respect but that doesn't mean you can talk behind my back or keep things alone.

Why told me it was constantly better when you were with us, me before? The message last time was what I thought enough to show I was a good person, but then it turned out that I'm the one who stirs up shit storm. You said I've never been on your side and called you prejudice while the rest are instead. I honestly don't know where and when. Probably it was overlooked, but I'm still wondering when did I say it and why couldn't you realize that I always wanted you to stop giving even a single fuck to what bothers you. I'm not on everyone's side at all. That's what you should know.. but you're my friend. I'm trying to make you feel better everytime things go downhill but all I got was a pack of rages.

Since everything had already been explained. I think I'm gonna go with it. As for them, they can go on looking for compatible companions. I will stay with those who stick around. I want a friend who can accept me for who I am honestly and I no longer give a shit to same-wavelength friends. What a wishful thinker. I don't hate them. I don't. I'm just so over it. All this time I was wrapped up in the feeling of bliss for having friends and for friends having me as their faithful supporter and trust me to be their shoulder to cry on or to vent to or to have their back. Now, I don't feel like things get better. It just gets completely twisted. No kidding. ]

Okay, clear for that now, things didn't stop there, life really is a box of chocolate, you're not gonna know what you gonna get, I like sweet chocolates but this time I didn't get to choose my favorite, life tricked me to take the bitter ones...

KEIRA, 18 YR OLD, AROUND EID, 2015

It's eid mubarak, my world finally shattered to the ground, like a broken mirror... as I said, I was already fucked up, and now everything turned ugly, felt like everything was against me. I am a firm believer of my principle. They just don't know me yet and I completely blamed them towards everything that happened to me. Those monsters tried to hard to fuck me up, I was already fuck up as I said, they're trying to kill me. I will never forget this and even if i had the chance to make amend with these monsters, I would never. Little do they know that karma is the only dish that is best served cold. Some of them aren't really successful and I know well how the damage has done to them. God is fair. Thanks for everything. I learnt my lesson too and I am happier now. Okay, now, what you're about to read once again may be disturbing and provoking. Consideration will be gladly appreciated.

KEIRA, 18 YR OLD, AROUND AUG-SEP-OCT , 2015

P/S KEIRA, 20 : This is sad but I swear I don't remember how my birthday was celebrated in 2015 and some events go unnoticed in my mind. I can't recall, all I remember about 2015 is this sad incident...

[ Depression at its BEST

I didn't attend school for the past two days. No, I mean almost a week. I got a phone call Yesterday, ahhh that's why I need to go so I could have a meeting with my class teacher. I don't know the exact problem, I lost my courage. Like last week I felt half there and things got brighter than before, but the challenges never stop hitting me right in the head. Things became upside down. It took an effort to face the obstacles when you're alone, it's quite a game. I'm surrounded by people whom I can call 'unique', I was trying to help them emotionally, I ain't no therapy but I thought I knew them cause I know how it feels to be bothered by your own shadow, by your own fear, it does have to do with personality disorder. None can understand but ourselves. Who else tho? I'm helpless at the end. It doesn't feel right.

People like us. Nobody would be willing to put their shoes in ours.

Even before, I do struggle with depression for a very long time and never really seek for helps cause I thought it didn't come to the point where I should get one. I'm too embarrassed to confront anyone. I'm afraid if they find out I'm mentally unstable. I mean, what if they slip away? What would they say? They asked me if I was okay, well I told them, I opened up, only to have it end with judgy looks and annoying feedback. Telling me to cope with it or seek help. And then soon after I felt guilty. I shouldn't have told them in the first place.

I'm telling myself everyday that I'm still sane, like I'm healthy up here. lol. I don't socialize much, I dislike crowds, I feel bothered, I'm paranoid, su******. Even a counsellor in my school said I've already created my own world and told me to get back to Allah. She's right. All I need is Allah. I just hope He would vanish my sadness and trade it with happiness. In Sha Allah. One thing is that I'm afraid to get too attached to people, I don't really talk to people like scarcely ever, if I talk to someone, they must be approachable or a bit different than public stereotypical. I love it that way. The problem is that I'm too much to handle, mood swing and constant personality confuse. Only those who can stand will stay... In Sha Allah.

Writing makes me feel better. I love writing. A lot. This is how I channel my anger or sadness. ]

THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT ABOUT THAT.

BOOM. My only reason I stayed in school for that long crushed my heart...

[ Crushed by Crushing on Crush

I've been here for almost 6 months already and it felt so drastic, everything still feels very new. Seriously I think that I shouldn't have done that in the first place and things at least could've been a whole lot easier than how it is right now. I mean, I shouldn't have planned on adoring someone. Especially when myself, is well aware that he won't be going out with someone like me. I solemnly think that he's been hypocrite lately. Yep. I should've realized that earlier and not trying to mindset myself, trying hard to force my head to believe that 'he's great', 'nahh, he's not that shallow', 'lol he likes you if you're nice, it doesn't matter how you look'. Screw it. Looks do matter. It's true that people will run away even before getting to know me. Imagine if I were a little bit more beautiful or at least skinny, he would've tried to get closed to me and know me better.

I do like someone based on their looks sometimes, I do. Seriously, but I'm NOT easily swept away by their charms alone. Nope. How shallow people can be? You tell me. Can't you see good in things? I know I AM, I see negativity in everything, but you're not me! You can't be like me. It's not healthy. I don't know. I forced myself too much to believe and think positive. No, it can't be right. Don't you think? I'm not trying to make you believe that I'm a good person. It's you who decide how you see something. I have my bad side too, we all have. Let's forget about hypocrasy cause I'm so done with it, all my life I've been wallowing in stereotype and hypocrasy and mentality society wants us to be but it doesn't necessarily mean that I need to be part of that. I'm entitled to my opinion. Well, it's just my opinion. 

Some people might think that this writing is about condemning or demanding society to stop being shallow and start accepting people regardless their appearances. Well, sorry. Your mentality is just plain wrong. Ops, sorry. Maybe it's not right to decide if someone is in the wrong or right. Then it depends on how you think tho. 

You know what? Saying that you can't make someone to like you back is just as same as telling the other person to stop liking them. Double standard happens here. *You don't know what double standard is then google it. True. We can't force feelings. So how could you tell them to stop having such a feeling on someone? How? You tell me.

In a way I see it, 

It's okay if they don't feel the same way as I do, just let me be. I know if they feel like they don't want to hurt me as it already is now but I do appreciate that good intention. And it they ever feel burdened by it, don't be. Why bother, right? It's not their fault tho. Just stop telling me to stop liking you or questioning things. It's not you who gets hurt at last, it's us :)

My sincere unsolicited advice that you should take : Never ever say that you're only attracted to one's soul. Pretending not being shallow is outright hypocrasy. Lumrahlah suka benda cantik :)

The perfect flawed and fallible person x ]

KEIRA, 18 YR OLD, AROUND SEP-OCT, 2015

P/S KEIRA, 20, 2017 : HERE'S YOU'LL FIND THE WHY.

[ Things started to turn upside down when I came to this school. I wasn't supposed to be here actually but I needed to cause I had no other options. I could just quit whenever I want since form 6 isn't obligatory but I don't know what else to do if I quit. I need to stay in other to qualify myself for college. No one really knows me here except a few friends from old school and my brother. I haven't talked to my bro for almost 4 yrs. We get used to it. So, it almost doesn't feel like we've known each other so we act like strangers at school. I had one best friend who betrayed me, she promised not to leave, but she did, without letting me know but then I found out she already far from here. I begged her to come back and have a talk with me but to no avail. Actually I couldn't believe her cause some of my classmates said that she's still here, but I couldn't care less anymore. 

Then, I had issue with a clique in school. I've become their target just because I tried to stick up for a friend. The girl has been bullied mentally for yrs and it went on in this new school. People spread hatred and I tried to help. I could see that some of them have been brainwashed. She didn't go to school for months and finally quit school. Well, she did the right thing cause form 6 isn't for her. Form 6 is just for a bunch of losers who can't make it to any higher school. 

I was so alone and hurt. I gave up social media to avoid being mocked by them. The worst thing was that it has affected my mental health, it's not like I didn't have it before. It's just getting worse. I was depressed and refused to attend school. I also locked myself in my room for almost a week, I didn't take a shower and I hurt myself too. My only thought was suicide, so I tried to overdose myself but I survived. It's a sin tho so I hoped to die everyday. I couldn't even wake up but stay in bed like a rotten living human. 

Next day, I got a call from school. I was sent to the office. I needed to tell the truth. So my teacher sent me to the counselling. I've been under counselling session which was held for me once a week. I skipped a few sessions. It did help. However, my attendance still hasn't changed. I still skipped school and I hated it. 

I wasn't like this before. I was so different in my old school. I had good academic reputation, good rapport with teachers and liked by peers. I was also voted as the best student of the month once. I represented school for many activities as debate and public speaking. I was picked to organize a sport day as well and as facilitator for campings. Where did I go wrong? Why did world turn upside down for me? I know I have personality issue and anxiety but I'm lucky because I'm strong enough to control it. My teacher from my old school once said to me that I'm good at influencing others and I'm very convincing. I was so good at hiding real emotions. It's just getting worse. 

People from old school know me as a person I was before, an introvert, quiet and a girl who doesn't know how to have fun. So they didn't really recognize anything except for I was getting lazier and poor academic achievement.

This went on for months and now all I do is keep myself alive and sane. The clique is now split up and only some of them left. The boy I have a crush on was already finished his diploma and I don't have to feel imprisoned anymore. Thank God! I have a small group of friends I'm still trying to call best mates. I don't know about recovering but things aren't like before. 

But I want to tell you that I still reminded by my childhood and my past. I feel scared of what behind me and can't focus on my future. I'm more like just breathing but doing nothing about my life. My siblings thought I was crazy and my parents can't control me. If only I could tell them what's going on in the head of mine... I have intense mood swings and never socialize much, unlike them. 

In short, I'm messed up and I just found out that my sister cousin received a psychiatric appointment which she hid since 6 months ago. I don't wanna tell you about us but her past affects me and I can't run since I know everything about her and it bugs me, but you don't give on people you love, right? So I won't.

If you knew the broken mess of a person I've become...

Continued..

I wonder how they could live peacefully and not feel guilty for what they've caused to someone's future. Another wasted year for one of the strongest persons I've ever known. ]

:) Guess, there's nothing else to share, that is all...

Like the wind, it comes and goes. I got back up and fell again multiple times. here what you are about to read is, my last straw...before i decided to quit.

Things have been pretty challenging to me lately. I cried a lot and I have constant changes in mood. I've told certain people about my plans to know their feedback. Some were pretty encouraging. While the rest were just curious. I have a lot to consider before taking steps. I whine about needing helps, but I end up helping myself. I've been doing this since high school and I think I'll stick to that. In short, even though things go downhill and when it seems like I'm at the low points of life, I would eventually heal. I would.

Yesterday, I went to town to meet my best mate, Dora. Hadn't seen her for a long time, it's been months I guess. I told her about how things been. Then, she decided to meet up. We went to a place where there's a little privacy and quiet. We talked about a lot things and thru the conversation, I realized how I miss being in a real conversation. How I miss my mate. All I need to find is a coping resource, and she is the one. I appreciate her for standing under the scorching sun while waiting for the bus just to get me, and I'm sorry that she had to go thru the rain to get home.

"Remember what you do that for in the first place and shrug everything off. I can take care of you but don't you ever think of quitting or giving up".

I'll keep these words.

To the people I vented to (If you seem care about others then it doesn't apply to you)

The girl you see in front of you, the girl you see whining to you, the weeping messed up girl you see, IS NOT the girl she was once before. You might think she's weak, unreasonable. Yes. She does have a few low points in life and yes, she is at the lowest point of her life. Where she's in the deepest darkness of despair. Ever heard of "you have to feel the violence to know what it's about"? You'll feel it someday and you'll see whether you can withstand pain or instead. I'm not trying to get you to the same page as I am but you may have partial understanding. Anyhow, she believes she still has what it takes to stand out once again. The one who is keen and not afraid to strike for more. One thing is that she smiled the most reasonable and sincere for the first time in this week full of horrid. God responded to her and she's thankful for a blast that she had with a thoughtful mate. Life as a soon-to-be-adult girl is effectively short term pleasure, long term pain, but as long as she keeps the positivity in, the pain is bearable.

To the best mate, thanks for being such a good coping resource and for that, balance regained and I'm in the peace of mind...again.

Love, Syaqirah.